Funny

If Ramayana was on Facebook........ TOO GOOD!!

Cross examination of Grandmom

A very gud one for a hearty laugh.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me..
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize
you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.."

The lawyer was stunned!
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster.
He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. ..
Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !

Why men don't write advice columns......

I Love This Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? !
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best! feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Jokes

Manager asked sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.

When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver
adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my
wife? Sit behind. I will drive.

Interviewer: just imagine youare on the3rd floor, it caught fire
and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Tintumon

DOSA
Teacher: Name the liquid which changes to solid when heated
Tintumon: Dosa

BEGGAR
Bus Cunductor: Why are you standing near the door, is your father a watchman?
Tintu Mon: Why are you always asking for “Change”, Is your father a Beggar ??

PROFESSOR
A professor to tintumon: “what is attention deficit hyperactive disorder?”
tintumon: “JIMBALAKDI BAMBA”
professor: “i dont understand anything”
tintumon: “same 2 you”

SLEEP
Tintumon: Im sleep with dad last night
Teacher corrects him: no..no..I slept with dad last night
.
.
Tintumon: so.. you came after I slept..?

MOTHER
Father to Tintumon: Why can't you not think every woman as your mother?
Tintumon: I can, but if i did so, what will people think of you?

LKG-TINTUMON
To be is to do(Socrates)
To do is to be(Plato)
To be or not to be(Shakespeare)
Scoo be do be dooo(Tintu mon, LKG)……..

CHEMISTRY
Teacher : What is “Al2 O3″ ?
Ramu : Alumina.
Teacher: Tintu, What is ‘Fe2 O3″?
Tintumon : “Filomina”

DINESHAN
Teacher :What is the name of Gandhiji’s son?
Tintumon: Dineshan
Teacher :Why?????
Tintumon : Mahatma Gandhi is the father of di-neshan

MEN AND LOVE ( FUNNY)

John was waiting for his love....

"30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"

"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... oh there she is"

"Scold her OK?", his brain adviced.

"OK I will try"

Sweet Sally comes with the cutest smile and says "Im sorry honey ... I was shopping for shoes ... totally forgot about you"

"What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain .... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"

John ignored his brain .. "Its OK honey .. its only half an hour .. no problem"

She smiled once again .. held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"

"OMG!!!", thought John .....

"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about"

Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ... parallel processing .. multiple search .......... complete memory scan.

Sally stared at John .... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"

"Huh!!!", he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong .. was lost in thought"

"No records found", said the brain ...

"Damn!!", thought John

"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?", she asked.

John is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?". said the brain

"OK OK ...stop pushing me"

"Honey .. U know my lousy memory .. I guess I cant recall what today is"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT T!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!" , she shouted ... and started crying.

"How could you forget!! ..... its my doggy's birthday"

"!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!"

A moment of silence.

His entire brain staff was laughing at him.

John was dumbfounded. "What the hell am I supposed to do know?", he asked his brain.

"Damage control sequence initialized ... dont worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"

"Better do it fast ..brainy"

The brain was working at 90% capacity ..... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'

Finally an answer was computed and communicated to John.

He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggie's birthday ... how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"

She looked up with utter surprise ...

"HUH!!!!!!! ....... Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk"

She stood up angrily and left. John and his brain were left there clueless ....

Top 3 comedy lines in college life

Top 3 comedy lines in college life

1. Don't disturb i want to study

2. No class. lets go to library and this is ultimate

3. excuse me sir ... I have a doubt....

Telugu movie dialogues in english

1. no one by one sher khan! send hundred once - magadheera.

2. forest mine hunting mine!- chirutha.

3. veerashankar reddy!! if plant neglect pickout cut your neck- indra.

4. pigs only come crowd,lion comes single - shivaji.

5. that man go this man,this man go that man,that man go my mothers husband

like that for power anyone come aah?- chathrapathi.

6. mothers promise horizontally cutt!!- aadhi.

7. you know guntur? i beat here there resound will come- deshamuduru.

8. brother do you know fruit? phattt!!!! who beat head revolve ,mind blocks he is fruit - pokiri

Last one is awesome .......

Awesome! B_O_M_B_A_Y

· Bombay has no bombs and is a harbour not a bay.

· Churchgate has neither a church nor a gate. It is a railway station.

· There is no darkness in Andheri.

· Lalbaag is neither red nor a garden.

· No kings ever stayed at Kings Circle.

· Nor did Queen Victoria stay at Victoria Terminus.

· Nor is there any princess at Princess Street.

· Lower Parel is at the same level as Parel.

· There are no marines or sailors at Marine Lines.

· The Mahalaxmi temple is at Haji Ali.

· There are no pigs traded at Dukar bazaar.

· Teen bati is a junction of 3 roads, not three lamps.

· Trams used to terminate at Kings Circle not Dadar* Tram Terminus (Dadar T.T.).

· Breach Candy is not a sweetmeat market, but there is a Hospital.

· Safed Pool has the dirtiest and blackest water.

· You cannot buy coal at Kolsa street.

· There are no Iron smiths at Lohar chawl.

· There are no pot makers at Kumbhar wada.

· Lokhandwala complex is not an iron and steel market.

· Null bazaar does not sell taps.

· You will not find ladyfingers at Bheendi Bazaar.

· Kalachowki does not have a black Police station.

· Hanging Gardens are not suspended..

· Mirchi Gully does not sell chillies.

· Figs do not grow in Anjir Wadi.

· Sitafals do not grow in Sitafal Wadi.

· Jackfruits do not grow at Fanaswadi.

· But it is true that you may get fleeced at Chor Bazaar!

Shameless Visitor

The Grandmother of a just got married American Desi phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma.

The delighted Grandma Desi started giving instructions how to come to their high rise Desi colony retirement Apartment.

She started blabbering, “When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside vestibule, My son there is a push button, push it with your Elbow, I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you.

You will hear the pi……pi buzz. You push the door with your Elbow and open. Enter and walk to the Elevator.

Push the UP button with your Elbow and elevator opens. Enter. Push the #4 button with your Elbow carefully and elevator comes to fourth floor. Walk to the room number 420 and push the button with your Elbow. I will open the door for you."

The polite grand son said, “Dear Grand Ma, my wife and I can handle all these, we have been born here. Don’t worry. But explain one thing, why do you want me to push all the buttons with my Elbow."

The Grandma Desi yelled, “What? Shameless, you are coming without gifts in your hands for Grandma?"

Neither legal, nor logical

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

One student immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Who is the BEST

Who is the BEST - Infosys, Wipro or TCS?

One day, three consultants, one from Wipro, one from Infosys and one from

TCS, went out for a walk.

"Why don't we prove who is the best among ourselves?"

Why not, said the other two.

The Infosian said "Let's have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, works

for the best firm".


Being a pure logical strategist, the person from TCS tried to make the monkey

Laugh by telling jokes. The monkey stayed still. As a more practical consultant,

the Wipro guy tried to make funny gestures... No good, the monkey stayed put.

Now, comes the Infosian. Being the practical guy he was always trained to be,

he whispered something into the monkey's ear, and it burst out laughing at him.

The other two were astonished.

So the Wipro guy said "OK, let's take another test. Let's make this monkey

cry!!"


So there they went again, applying the same methods as before. The TCS guy

narrated sad stories, the Wipro guy made sad gestures, and they failed again.

Then, the Infosian again whispered something into the monkey's ear and oh! It

started crying, patting the Infosian's shoulder! The other two just could not

believe their eyes!

So the tcs guy said "OK, you've won twice. If you can win just this one, we will

bow to you. Let's make this monkey run".


And he barked at the monkey and ordered him to run. Of course, it stayed

where it was.. The Wipro guy, true to his type, pushed and prodded the

monkey- still No go. So...here comes Infosian, again, and whispers into the

monkey's ear. The Monkey just takes off! It runs and runs as fast as it can, as if

it was scared to death! The other two surrendered.


They Said: "OK, we give up. You're the best among us, and you work for the

Best firm of the three. But please, please tell us your secret," they begged him.

"Well", said the Infosian , "The first time I made it laugh, I told I work for Infosys

. The next time, I told the monkey how much I get paid ...so it started crying.

And then I told that I was here for recruitment !!!"

Best Doctor

Neck Exercise

A doctor advises his patients to exercise their neck by just reading this message.

In the end, all patients go home happily without asking the doctor for any medications. 'It is very effective,' said the doctor.

'My patients never come back to me again.'

Scroll down...

Scroll down some more..............
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Funny

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you
about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
........... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 and on Wednesday she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then

complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Teacher: "Where were you born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference
between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"Unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal'

It is a sick eagle."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"

"Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart."

Some laughers for you.. :)

Long back,
persons who sacrificed their sleep,
forgot their family, forgot their food,
forgot laughter were called "Saints"

But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:

"If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..

Love is always present...

It's just that,
One loves too much,

And

The other loves too many…

Employee: Boss, now i have got married..! Please increase my salary..!

BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

Philosophy of life
At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,

Later on somehow the alphabets get reversed..!

What is a Fear?

Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new

And

Just few hours left for your exams..!

Jus4Fun
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask more questions that a wise man cannot answer"

No wonder why so many of us are speechless when lecturers ask question..!

Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?

Shopkeeper: Oh sure...@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved!"

Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..!

After reading the form filled by an applicant... The employer said: "WE do have an opening for you..!

Applicant: What is it?

Interviewer: It's called the "door..!"

A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company...

Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employees...

..... Leave them to us

Chilly Question & Ans.

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

*********

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

*********

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

*********

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

*********

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

*********

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

*********

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

*********

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

*********

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Men's perspective About Their Wives

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping
pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute

I asked you to marry me.
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents
************ ********* ********* *********
Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
************ ********* ********* *********
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

Romantic

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
Empty and so is your head

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I 'm good at telling lies!


9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING ????